The press secretary had only 5-minutes to prepare a statement to the correspondents about the upcoming primary, and he wanted to be sure he got it right.
Anything he said had to be vague enough to leave plenty of wiggle room, but not so much that the voters would be driven away in confusion or, worse yet, become exasperated by his man’s indecision.
In other words, he had to make Senator Harlan Halfbaked look decisive, strong, principled, presidential, and, yes, a maverick, in 100-words or less.
Stepping to the podium, he adjusted the microphone and looked at the room full of reporters as he said with unflinching coolness, authority, and confidence:
“Ladies and gentlemen, Senator Halfbaked stands for the little man, the big man, the little lady, transgenders of all sizes, children, all races and creeds, and citizens and future citizens who are in favor of a balanced budget, unlimited national defense, the return of America as Number One, free enterprise, a booming economy, God, the Flag, and apple pie. I’ll take your questions now.”
The Press Corps had no questions because most of them had lost their critical thinking skills a long time ago, and their readers believed whatever they already believed.
Senator Halfbaked was elected by a 35-percent margin and went on to become the worst United States President of all time.